Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
