i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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