I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
