I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
