I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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