Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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