I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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