our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize