so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
