R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
