My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
