"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
