Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
