two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
