Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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