you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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