I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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