Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
