True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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