Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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