She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
