You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize