have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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