ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
