Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize