youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
