dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That accounts for only three of the penises
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
