you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
