Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
