you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
