I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
