i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Come share oat with me in your robe
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
