i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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