Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
