You work out of a Hotel?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
