saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
they need to just BURY HIM!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
