I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
