Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
