Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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