I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
