im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
