Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
