It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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