if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
