you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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