i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
