mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
40s are totally the cure
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Randomize
