i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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