Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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