I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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