so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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