totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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