i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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