New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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