So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
