I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize