you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
