Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize