I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
