I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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