you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
