Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
