Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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