I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
