im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize