After last night, I could never be a politician.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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