I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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